Stranded
Saturday, Apr 17, 2021 | 10 minute read | Updated at Saturday, Apr 17, 2021
Those who suffer, suffer in silence!
There is Dragon in the house! And it has been growing bigger for the past five years. Of the six years that we are in a relationship, only the first was blissful. The remainder five - an agony-filled, self-destructive drag!
I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight when I first saw her back in college. For reasons unknown I would just feel happy and blissful when she was around. Post the first half of the usual academic day (lunchtime), I would be at the notice board reading through the updates and waiting for my other friends to be done with their classes (we would then go for lunch together). I could tell she was within six feet by the aroma. She would stand next to me (more or less and I always hated when there were others between both of us), read through the updates and once her friends were all there, they would leave for lunch. We were not friends yet (well, we had chatted a handful of times for less than a minute. Assuming I was no one to her would be very accurate).
Fast forward to me in the shower one evening a month later. I get this strange feeling in my gut, I physically felt it while the water poured on me. “Maybe I should just go and tell her how I feel”, I suggested myself. “Worst case she will turn you down. But at least she’ll know”, the advocate of emotions in me nudged. The details of what happened in the next two hours are a story for another post. But here’s the gist -
I messaged stating I wanted to talk to her after dinner and would meet at the gate of her hostel.
I ate very little (I could not. My heart was racing so bad all the time). I walked fast and reached the gate. Called her down. Waited. Silently hoped and prayed! She came down worried and asked me what was up. I spoke and rather, spoke too directly. No small talk, straight to the point. My words -
Oh, i just came over to say something. You know, I think I like you.
I avoided “love”, but that is exactly what I meant! I couldn’t see her facial expressions well at this point, it was against the light. A part of me was already feeling that I might crash land (no! just crash!). I continued -
Be my friend for the rest of my life. That’s all!
I had crashed. I was convinced. The inner advocate that had convinced me to pull all of this off, left my body. Disappeared! The internal disaster management team leaped into action, “remember it’s just 2 months, and then, you’ll be out of her sight! Only two months of living next to the rejector!”. All of this was going on in my head so fast. There is a part of me, which is quick when it comes to picking the scattered pieces of me. Once the picking is done, the next step is mission abort and evac!
She was speaking something but my senses had escaped me. A fraction later when they returned, I could hear her say -
It happens. You must have told the same thing to other girls before.
I burst into laughter. Both because she thought that of me and also because I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t hear past that. And then smiling while I continued to listen to her. Honestly, I wanted to disappear! Be swallowed by the ground under my feet. Felt like a Deer Caught in the spotlights!
One, it felt good that she was consoling me saying, “those were momentary feelings. And it is okay to express them…”. I was like - “What?”. The disaster management team in my head, probably paused picking the scattered mess and decided to watch the show.
Second, she grounded my entire effort! What a smooth kill! In my head, the members of the disaster management team were now applauding her and taking notes. Deep down, there was a feeling of respect for her. I liked her even more now! (That is “love is blind” in action for you!).
The team, I could hear them chat. One said to another, “What else did he expect? He’ll tell her and she’ll do what? Accept? How does any woman in her right mind respond to something as surprising as that? Say - ‘Oh! yes! I love you too!’? Then?”. That kind of started to make sense now. I was feeling so stupid! It had dawned on me now, that she had been approached by a lot of other boys and, by now she was very aware and versed in such encounters. I was yet another such encounter. A new member of the “rejected” list. I had earned myself a place on the wrong list! “Why would you do all of this?”, I asked myself while she was continuing to speak (I could hear nothing).
It was evac time. I continued to laugh and smile, which I now understand must have confused her. I then asked her to not take things too seriously and maybe she should forget this happened. My mind-body coordination system began to prepare for the walk to Lab (yes, I would go to the lab after dinner and come back to my room to sleep). Away from my rejector.
“Are you alright?”, she asked. Confused why laughter and jokes were my response to a rejection. I am not sure what was expected of me. I wanted to depart with zero damage to either of us (barring the fact that I was now a card-carrying member of the “rejected” list). “Oh! nothing, all good. I am really alright”, I said being the most honest I could ever get in my life. Although, my real problem now seemed, not the rejection but the deliberate and conscious effort I would need to take to be out of her sight.
Evac protocol set my legs in motion. I put my hands in my pockets and began to walk towards the Lab. I was really alright, feeling odd and weird, but still alright. “Man that was wild!”, I reflected myself. “Only two months more!”, I reassured myself.
Six years later. We are still together. Yes. I seem to have borderline escaped the “rejected list”. We are living separately, but still together. I don’t think I have a chance of getting anyone as wonderful as her. She can be cranky and spikes her voice to dominate a discussion to make herself heard. But I understand that’s her in stress and discomfort. A self guarding preventive damage control mechanism. And to a good degree, she is just plain scared, hurt, and not wanting to deal with and defend. Cannot put it any better than what I read in the book 12 rules for life.
When you have something to say. Silence is a lie!
It weighs you down! She is there and so am I! I have seen the best side of her and know it will be back. It cannot die. That is who she is. There just has been no space for that side of her to show up. May take another 20 years, or maybe more. But I am sure it’s in her. And will be dominant again. Just a matter of time!
Of course, we have burnt holes in each other, we have had horrible fights (more to come for sure) and went through phases of crisis separately. Becoming delusional and paranoid. A lot of personal dreams went down the drain and we blamed the other one for that. But life isn’t sunshine and roses. We may be, get that more than ever.
What has ended up happening though is, we have seen each other through rough times. And at least I am convinced, no matter what shit happens, at the end of it all, we both would want to sit down and just chat. Have a random talk over tea on a rainy day and just be at peace. We do (and will) just enjoy each other’s company. There is no doubt about that!
The struggle at the moment is, we are not together! I hope it ends soon and we get to be together. For the most part, I see myself responsible for it. There are certain things that I would handle differently if I had the opportunity to redo by visiting the past. Getting everyone in both our families onboard has been proving to be an unfathomable feat! not that we want to avoid the conflicts resultant from the confrontations. We fear it may threaten the belief system that our parents have. It may shatter it. People tend to do anything to defend their belief systems, if shattered everything falls apart. They don’t understand what is true anymore and can be relied on. This may result in serious complications and eventually lead to a health crisis! This is the cause of silence that plagues both of us.
The odds at the moment seem against us and it’s been 5 years people have been pushing her to get married. The level of mental stress she has been and must be going through is unimaginable to me. I just hope it ends soon though. I am not entirely sure why she turned down more than 40 proposals to this date, all doing better in life than I was/am, with great prospects. I take it to be that she has chosen me. And quite frankly, it doesn’t matter if that’s not the case. Whatever her reasons are, I have just chosen to accept, appreciate it, and decided to prove her choice in me right (it is not required strictly speaking. But it sounds like a potent fuel to propel both of us against the future odds).
Her life is better off with me. Even if it is full of potential suffering, it would still be full of reasons to live through, struggle, and fight for. And I think that is more important than happiness! As humans, we don’t really seek happiness. That’s delusional! Heard it somewhere, “what we really seek is a reason to survive through tragedy!”. Man! That is true. The fundamental truth of life is pain and suffering.
So while she is free to take any decision that favours her growth and well-being. What I have been doing on my end of the bargain is to get my life in order and be as mentally available to attend to her as much as possible. I want to be her honest advisor for the rest of her life! That said, bitter arguments and truths would still be on the table. I won’t go easy on her if she is obviously being stupid. I would call out the reasons and back her up practically. And that, I know is a reason enough to forget the conflicts we have and would ever have and just come back for a good old chat on a rainy day with a cup of tea in our hands, or the good old walk together…
Although, it looks like life has traded her the short end of the stick always. I have got different plans! I have been and will work on a grander future. Some pieces are in place and some are in the pipeline. I have become more capable and multiplied on the grit I have. I am building a kingdom. And it shall always await the Queen. And while the Queen is away from it at the moment, the kingdom shall be with her in all her choices. It shall always be here for her! While everything else may run out of time. It shall silently await her!
